Clarification...

For anyone reading "Clearing the Cobwebs..." and you click on the link to thebloggess.com, please for the love of God scroll down past her frozen yogurt post.

While I love that one and always think the conversations between Jenny and Victor are hilarious, *that* particular post doesn't quite capture the deep, meaningful sentiment as the one further down the page titled, "I didn't eat anyone that I know of."

Thanks for reading!

Clearing the cobwebs

Clearing the cobwebs indeed.

Sometimes the seemingly incessant demands of everyday life (parenting, working, housekeeping, etc) will suck the life right out of you and then you face this spiral of "oh-holy-hell-I'm-failing-at-everything-I'm-doing." And that's no good because who wants to feel like a failure? It's a shameful parenting moment when you think you're too busy to sit and watch an episode of "Caillou" when your 4-yr old invites you to do so.

In making my usual rounds and catching up on favorite blogs this morning, I ran head first into this:
http://thebloggess.com/
Looks like I'm not the only one who suffers from feeling like I am sometimes drowning in my own life. Luckily, reading Jenny Lawson's spot-on affirmations (the part where she celebrated one achievement, but scratched out the "I'm failing" part) bolstered my spirits. And in a crazy twist of coincidence -- as the universe often provides -- I had the chance to visit with my two oldest and most dear friends yesterday. These wonderful women, -- Maria and Tammy -- and I met in 7th grade, a time when self-confidence and fear of rejection are very real every. single. day. We met. We bonded. We began what would grow into a life-long friendship. From day one, we accepted each other for who we were and celebrated every aspect of our lovable, nerdy selves. Today, we laugh over memories that span over 30 years and still celebrate our lovable, nerdy selves. Collectively, we have 11 children, spanning in ages from 3 to 21. Three are in college. One in high school. Three in middle school. Two in elementary school. Two in pre-school. That's a whole lotta kids and a whole lotta crazy, folks. We are each graciously blessed to have found and married our soul mates. We are good people, and we are happy -- but still may find ourselves wondering if we're not failing miserably at something at some point of a day, week, month. It happens.

There's a line in the movie "Terms of Endearment" where Patsy is visiting Emma in the hospital and tells her tearfully, "You're my touchstone, Emma." Maria and Tammy are my touchstones. Two of only a few people on the planet that I can be with and find myself instantly centered, connected with the most honest and true essence of who I am. They save me from drowning in my life. And for that? I owe them so much and love them dearly.

Today, I feel like I have cleared the cobwebs that have grown in the parts of my life that matter -- while I've been busy doing laundry, clearing clutter, working, shuttling kids here and there. And having that renewed sense of "Hey! Pay attention!" I feel like I can take Jenny Lawson's advice and go forward and not feel like I'm failing at things.

• I will work on the next chapter, instead of "finishing the book."
• I will pick an smaller area to de-clutter, instead of the entire house.
• I will go out and run a few miles, instead of worrying about the marathon.
• And I will not eat anyone. (You won't get this unless you clicked on the link above and read her blog post. You're welcome.)

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm taking my green tea and going to watch the umpteenth million episode of "Caillou."  Because my 4-yr old asked me to watch with him.

Lacing up and going public

Lately I’ve been really trying to commit myself to making wise decisions overall as it pertains to my health. I think I’m a little ahead of the curve on this, given the fact that our new insurance company awarded me with “elite” status as far as my physical health is concerned. (Pausing for a moment to mentally flex my muscles and make “Grrrrrr!” noises.) In reality, I think they just caught me in a lucky streak of running and we must not have had any ice cream in the house prior to my blood draw.

I’ve discovered that my middle-aged self is no longer a fan of sugar. Let me clarify – it isn’t the eating that I have developed a problem with, it’s the way sugar works on my body. I can't enjoy a nice dessert after dinner without knowing that I will wake up feeling like I had five margaritas rather than a slice of cheesecake. I have no idea why this happens, but it does. I can usually resist most sweets, but there are times when it’s oh-so-hard to say no. Case in point: Last night we had our umpteenth fire of the summer, which means s’mores. I relegated myself to being the marshmallow/chocolate/graham cracker distributor (because, let’s face it… you do not simply give an entire bag of marshmallows to the kids). It was difficult to see those puffy, white mallows being toasted over the dancing flames until they reached the perfect golden brown color, knowing I wouldn’t allow myself one. I knew my resolve was thinning when one burst into flames and I considered telling the owner I’d take it off their hands. For free. But I held my ground and resisted. I sipped my green tea and reminded myself that I’d feel great in the morning by not giving into the gooey, chocolatey, crunchy graham goodness of a s’more. I’d be lying, though, if I said I didn’t savor the chocolate smudges left on my fingers as I assembled the fixins for everyone else. Come on, people, I said I am committed, not downright stupid.


In any event, this more focused attention is not without its (potential) reward. I have verbally committed to running a half-marathon in September (my 10th), and my first-ever marathon in early November. I went back to basics and downloaded a training plan devised by a runner whom I trusted to get me re-started in the hot mess of running back in 2005 after a nearly 20-year hiatus. With the exception of one missed long run, I have stuck to the training schedule for two weeks. I feel better and so much better overall when I make time to run. Granted there are days when it just isn’t going to happen, but most days I can get to the gym at work during lunchtime, then grab a salad from the cafeteria to eat back at my desk.

I decided to bring this area of my life to the blog for no better reason than simple accountability. I can rationalize my way out of working out like nobody’s business. I practically minored in Rationalization Theory in college, learning from the best: Shipley.

Shipley: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: I’ve got Spanish in half an hour.

Shipley: Wanna go to the Fashion Shoppe?

Me: I should really go to class.

Shipley: Come on….. it’ll be fun. And you’re getting an A in Spanish anyway.

Me: (divided pondering)

Shipley: It’s just one class….

Me: Mmm… OK.

OK. So I was probably an easy mark for her persuasion, but had I not been? I would never have had all the bonding experiences we have shared as best friends. And I would have never found myself being driven backward through a Rax restaurant drive-thru, with me looking pitifully up at the confused Rax employee holding our chocolate chip shakes, while Shipley cackled next to me in the driver’s seat. Oh. Yes. She. Did.

My point? Rationalization will get you out of what you’re supposed to be doing, but it will move you no closer to your goal. (In my defense, I still kept that A in Spanish class.) I figure if I post my training on Back to Square One, it’ll make me accountable to do it without cutting any corners. No matter how tempting they might be. (I am getting back to basics… “square one” … you know.)

Thank goodness there isn’t a Fashion Shoppe in Fort Wayne.

You wouldn't believe how exciting the last several months have been...

And neither would I. Because it simply isn't true.

Sure, I'd love to say that in the time since my last post that we've enjoyed successes and excitement beyond measure. However, while we've had some really great things happen, there have been plenty of days/weeks/months where our days have been swept into the usual whirlwind of our life. Plainy put,... I got busy. Sidetracked. Delayed. And, sadly, at times lazy.

In a nutshell,...

• Wonderful Husband's (a.k.a., Jeff) arm healed nicely, and returned to work after about four months on medical leave. Lesson learned: We are officially in "middle age" now, with the abundance of aches, pains, twinges and increased opportunity for injuries. We're so not 20-something kids anymore.
• The college student and school-aged kids all finished their respective academic years with amazing grade reports and plenty of fun. With that came the reminder for me that we are truly blessed with these children, and their achievements continue to amaze us and make us crazy proud.
• We kicked off our summer with a family road trip to Florida. Yes, two parents, five children and a friend comprised a two-vehicle caravan that made its way to sunny Florida. Our first stop was Orlando where we stayed at the Nickelodeon resort, and visited Downtown Disney and The Magic Kingdom the first two days. We were surprised and amazed that our 4 year old was not only tall enough to ride the bigger rides, but a totally willing and eager participant! One of my favorite moments was after getting off our second consecutive trip on Big Thunder Mountain, he burst into tears. I heard a woman behind me say something like, "Oh, poor little guy... he must have been terrified on the ride." I turned around laughing to let her know that his outburst was in disappointment and anger that the ride was over. Crazy kiddo. Midweek we traveled about two hours south to the Port St. Lucie area, staying at Jensen Beach on Hutchinson Island. This is rapidly becoming one of our favorite destinations, after staying there three years ago for Spring Break. The main reason for the trip was the Cameron Family Reunion at the end of our vacation week, which was a truly wonderful time. So great to visit with Jeff's family members, most of whom live far from us.

Back home now, our summer is clicking along nicely. We have had many evenings by the fire out back, hosting the kids and their friends as they enjoy the buffet of s'more fixins we always have on hand. Now that we're settled into summer, I find I can finally relax a little. And for me, relaxing never fails to conjure up all the "To Do" items I keep on my mental list: decluttering, laundry, organizing all the kids' keepsakes from the school year, laundry, helping with home improvement projects, laundry, ... oh, and writing. While I keep my freelance writing steady on the side (a true juggling act with a full-time job and boys with summer baseball league) the characters and story lines are still rolling around in my skull, just waiting to be put on paper. Or on screen at least. But when I think back to that lesson we learned from Jeff's ruptured bicep tendon and repair... we're not getting any younger. That said, if I want to achieve my goal of getting something published at some point, I'm going to have to work harder at time management and prioritizing. Naturally, the family comes first, so I will just have to grab those elusive idle moments and tip-tap-type my way into completion of at least one project.

And all the while, this blog needs attention too. If not for the entertainment of others, but to keep my sanity. Because, really people. Some days,... it's hanging on by a thread. A. Single. Fraying. Thread.
If you're reading this right now, then THANK YOU. I hope you can feel the big cyber-hug I'm giving, because writing is one thing, but having readers is incredibly awesome. Hope you come back, if for any other reason than to delight in our family's antics as we bridge the gap between chaos and hilarity.

The day in which I am caretaker, housekeeper and timid techno-geek; or how I cared for a post-op husband, youngest son and welcomed myself to Facebook for the second time.

Well, I did it. I managed to successfully (?) create a Facebook page for Back to Square One, and [gasp!] actually post a new blog. Honestly, I am still reeling. Imagine, ME! Tackling a techno-project and coming out on top! Or at least ahead...

I think the best part of accomplishing this epic task after four years is that I chose to do it on a day when I've got a husband upstairs recuperating from surgery to reattach a tendon in his arm, and our youngest (just one week away from turning 4) as my sidekick. I am seriously feeling like a rock star right now.

There aren't many days when I feel like I've actually crossed the finish line -- in my head, there are lists upon lists with too many "want to do" items than workable hours in the day. And, yes, I realize this pressure is self-imposed and put squarely on my own shoulders. This is all part of the charm of being me. I aspire to do much, and usually end up frustrated when I can't do it all. Same old story for so many moms. It's that cycle that causes periodic moments of feeling overwhelmed... when there are three different places I need to be at once. Or a guest room with no room for guests because of all the mayhem created by thinking it's a storage room. Or three sons (two teens, one tween) who realize at 6:30am that they are out of underwear. I simply need to stop and reel myself back in. Back to square one. Back to simplifying things and taking everything one step at a time.

So, today, as I revel in my "rock star" status for the moment (because, seriously, we all know I'll do something to cancel it out yet today) I will go forth and make lunch for my patient and my sidekick. And transfer the laundry. (Yes, I found clean underwear for the boys before they left for school.) And continue with the project I brought home from work until the kids get home from school and dinner is served and homework is checked and kids head to bed...

The Thanksgiving Table

As in years past, Jeff and I hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our house. This year his parents provided the turkey, while Jeff took care of a roast; the sides -- oh, Dear Lord the sides! -- sweet potatoes, mashed rutabaga (which was a first for me and I discovered I love it!), two different stuffings, corn casserole and Jeff's famous variation on green bean casserole. The side dishes were overshadowed by a ridiculous display of desserts: pecan pie, (2) pumpkin pies, cherry pie and an OHMYGODTHISISPHENOMENAL dark chocolate/raspberry cheesecake made by Jeff's mom. Holy hell, yes... we had a lot of food.

However, while the spread was clearly of gluttonous proportions, for me, the highlight of our dinner table was the result of my half-assed attempt at channeling Martha Stewart: the Thanksgiving Table Votives.

What you're seeing here are square, heavy glass votive holders (which were purchased for $1 apiece from Dollar Tree for Kate's graduation open house). I love these because they are simple, stocky and solid; perfect for use any time of year. I don't remember where or how I got this idea stuck in my head, but I wanted to wrap these votive holders with black & white photos of each person in our family who was attending dinner. It ended up being relatively simple to size the photos, and I just placed them four-wide on the layout (landscape view). Even with our black ink cartridge just about dry, the images still came out pretty well. Even though I ultimately ended up cutting the photos individually and using double-stick tape to adhere them to the holders, I was pleasantly surprised with the end result. Here's a closer look at two of them:

Yes, there was a slight curling of the edges -- which I had to really try not to let bother my slightly-OCD self -- but if I do it again, I'll remedy that before it becomes too obvious. I used simple tea lights in the holders, because as I mentioned, I like to use these holders as much as possible I really don't want to mess with digging out the wax and cleaning them up. (I know, someone will undoubtedly tell me to place them in the freezer and the wax will pop right out, but tea lights are so much easier.)

I'm thinking next time (maybe Christmas...?) it's going to be baby photos. :)

For those days when I feel like I'm the worst mother ever...

The following is copied verbatim from something Sam wrote for school in 4th grade. I found it in his backpack when we got them out for school this fall... because, you know, they brought them home on the last day of school and didn't touch them again for three months.


My mom is really nice she has one brother, and she is very social. she is 43 years old and loves playing with me and my brothers. she loves navy blue because it is her favorite collage color Butler bulldogs. she could write a news paper on the teams mascot blue two blue one died but the mascot is a bulldog. She loves the basketball team, she also knits she knit a scarf in one day. she yells when my brothers and I are messing with each other. She likes vacations and driving, she dosen't like the long road trips like me until we get to the place, then we have to drive back to our home. My mom can be nice and when things get out of hand she thinks her head will blow up. I think my mom is awesome!

For those of you who know me well, you know how difficult it was for me to type that paragraph as it was written... run-ons, missed capitalizations, mild errors and all. But it was written by Sam -- my hilariously quirky boy who doesn't often speak from the heart. For all I know, this was written hastily and off the cuff just to get an assignment done. But for what he thought to include, it speaks to my heart. I particularly love that he gets how frustrating it can be when I deal with the three of them getting "out of hand." Perhaps it's because I'm prone to dramatically holding my head, saying, "UUUGGGHHHHHHH! IF YOU THREE DON'T STOP, MY HEAD'S GOING TO EXPLODE!" But I think it's those six words that close out the paragraph that really clinch it. No matter what I do or what Sam equates with me (diehard Butler fan, knitter, writer, mom with an exploding head, etc.), no matter what... he thinks I'm awesome.

Thank you, Sam. I love you.